


The Beginning of the End

by angelslove



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, also vague references of an eating disorder, kenma is depwessed, or a hopeful one anyway! i like to think it works out, references to bokuto having depression and a personality disorder, references to suicide?? but very vague
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 10:56:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20929067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelslove/pseuds/angelslove
Summary: "Don't be sorry," Kuroo said. "You can't help this.""...But I could," Kenma whispered pathetically. "I'm just too tired to fight it."





	The Beginning of the End

**Author's Note:**

> i like the idea of kenma having depression especially later on when he no longer actively plays volleyball........ so i did this  
also i guess its not like stated anywhere but theyre all in university/college at this point!!

It was easy, to let himself go. To fall even deeper, dragged even further into the clutches of this dark pit, this suffocating feeling. Of course he felt guilty-- he was too weak, he had to be doted after, he worried his boyfriends. He was a burden, and he knew it, but he couldn't stop falling.

It wasn't bad all the time, but it was more often than not lately. He was just too drained to fight it anymore. 

"Kenmaaa," Kuroo murmured, Kenma feeling the mattress dip next to him under the older's weight. "You have to eat something, kitten."

"...Not hungry," he mumbled, muffled even further under the thick comforter wrapped around him. He had a headache though, a sign his body was not very pleased at the deprivation of food. He didn't feel hunger in a normal way anymore-- he was either fine, or he had a skull-splitting headache that demanded sustenance and didn't leave until he ate. 

"You have to put some food in your body, Kenma," Akaashi joined in-- probably standing at the edge of the bed. He heard Bokuto's hoots of agreement even further back, probably from the doorway.

Kenma didn't want to leave bed. He didn't know the last time he showered. He smelled. He probably looked terrible. He was being doted on again.

"We'll make you something light. Like a ham sandwich." He felt the pressure of someone's hand-- probably Kuroo's-- resting on the top of the blanket covering him. "You don't even have to eat it all, just... Something. Okay?"

Kenma groaned, and buried further into the cocoon. "...Okay," he relented, mostly to get them off his back. He felt bad about that, too. He wanted to be able to take care of himself. He wanted to *care* enough to be able to. 

"I'll draw you a bath afterward," Akaashi murmured, and Kenma listened to his and Bokuto's footsteps fading down the hall. He felt a touch of irritation, and of shame. He knew he needed to bathe himself, but he hated that it was pointed out. He was so vulnerable.

Kuroo gently tugged at the covers until Kenma lifted them up. "I smell," he warned, but Kuroo slid under with him anyway.

"Kenma, we practically grew up in locker rooms. No amount of pit smell is going to stop me from cuddling you," he hummed. He wrapped his arms around Kenma's waist, chest flush to his back, and gently nosed the soft spot behind his ear. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Nothing to talk about," Kenma replied. His chest was heavy and hollow at the same time. He was in pain and it put him in a constant state of irritation, even when his boyfriends didn't do anything to warrant it. He was tired.

Deep down, past the numbness, he appreciated Kuroo's non-judgmental attitude. He appreciated Akaashi's care, and Bokuto's affection.

He didn't deserve any of it.

"Kenma," Kuroo murmured, hand rubbing soothing circles on his warm stomach. "We want to help."

Kenma could feel himself cracking under the pressure. "You can't," he croaked.

"Why do you say that?" So patient. So gentle. Kenma just wanted him to leave, he wanted them all to leave. He wanted them to realize he wasn't worth it, he wanted to fade away without anyone caring or noticing. But Kuroo insisted on caring. Akaashi insisted on caring. Bokuto insisted on caring. When would they grow tired of it? He's been pushing them away for so long now.

"I don't deserve it," he whispered. "I'm..."

"Oi." A hand came up and tilted Kenma's face toward Kuroo's. He looked so intense, eyebrows furrowed. "You deserve to be happy. I love you. We all love you."

"Why?" Kenma's voice was hoarse. He was going to cry. He hadn't cried in so long. Maybe this was a good sign. "I haven't done anything to deserve it. I'm angry all the time. I- I never have any energy for dates or for sex or--"

"You're just having a bad week, kitten," Kuroo interrupted softly. He brushed a lock of stringy hair off of his forehead. "You don't see how wonderful you are because you can't see past how much you dislike yourself."

"How can I be wonderful. When I'm- like this?" Kenma choked. His eyes were burning. What if he had more than just a bad week? What about a bad month? A year? They would surely grow tired of him then. He didn't understand how Kuroo couldn't see that. How could he give himself over to his boyfriends completely when he knew how unlovable he was? How difficult it was to even breathe? He was waiting for the inevitable; to be separated from them. "I want to stop. I... I want this to end--"

"Don't," Kuroo said sharply. The tone finally pushed the hot tears out, relentless; like a dam. "Kenma, don't. We're here to help you. You aren't going anywhere."

"But I feel so awful," he weeped, curling in on himself even more. "I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out, Tetsu." It'd be like a mercy kill, Kenma finished in his mind. 

"Oh baby," the older murmured softly, pressing gentle kisses to the back of Kenma's neck. It made him cry harder. He wanted Kuroo to agree, to hurt him, to give him what he deserved. He should be kicked out, left to deal with his shit alone, broken up with. "We'll set you up with a doctor's appointment soon, get you on some medicine. I love you. We all love you."

"That we do," Akaashi hummed as he entered the room once again. "Koutarou, please turn on the lamp."

Kenma knew he was turning that on instead of the bedroom light so it wasn't so blinding to the blonde after sitting in darkness for so long. His chest ached.

"Aye aye, captain!" Bokuto chirped, bounding with heavy footsteps over to the light and flicking it on.

"Let's sit you up so you can eat," Kuroo whispered, peeling the blankets back and pushing himself up. He tugged Kenma between his legs, propping him up. The smaller finally got to look at them all for once today after being holed up the entire afternoon in their room. 

Akaashi looked kind. His expression was gentle and he was holding a plate with a plain sandwich on it. Bokuto was eagerly clambering onto the bed, eyes bright as he scooted as close to the two as he could without actually being on top of them. He had nearly forgotten how eager Bokuto was; how he was happy just being close to his loved ones. He forgot how Akaashi was so understanding and patient, and wouldn't grow to dislike Kenma so easily. 

When Kenma tilted his head to look up at Kuroo, sniffling, he was smiling. He had forgotten that Kuroo had promised, though without words, to stick with him through the thick and thin. He had their entire lives; why would he stop now?

"Sorry," Kenma whispered, turning back to the others and scrubbing a hand over his eyes. He accepted the plate gratefully, and watched as Akaashi slid onto the bed and into Bokuto's embrace. One of his hands rested gently on Kenma's knees; an anchor.

"Don't be sorry," Kuroo said in a sing-song voice, petting a hand down his greasy hair. "You can't help this."

"...But I could," Kenma whispered pathetically, before taking a small bite of his food. "I'm just too tired to fight it."

"Being tired is a side effect of what you're going through," Akaashi murmured, thumb brushing back and forth over his knee, warm even through the cloth of his sweatpants. "Both physically and mentally. To expect yourself to be strong all the time is too much pressure on yourself."

"Yeah, sometimes you just gotta let go!" Bokuto hummed, nuzzling the back of Akaashi's neck. "Talking about it and crying and stuff helps a lot even if you don't think it does at first!"

"It's definitely a good step forward," Kuroo murmured and pressed a kiss to the top of Kenma's head.

"But what if I--" Kenma's voice cracked and he ducked his head. "What if I take too long to get better?"

"We'll wait for as long as we have to!" Bokuto chirped, reaching a hand over and rubbing Kenma's back in a surprisingly comforting gesture. Kenma sometimes forgets Bokuto suffers from the same thing, if not worse because of his personality disorder. He marvels at how Bokuto can be so strong, and Kuroo gives his torso a gentle squeeze.

"We'll help you through this even when we're old and wrinkly and Kou poops himself daily," he snickered, ignoring Bokuto's squawk of indignation.

"Tetsurou, he's eating," Akaashi lightly scolded. His head moved up from Kenma's knee to gently brush his thumb along his damp cheek. "But what Tetsurou said is true, Kenma. We're here for you. For as long as you'll let us be."

"We love you!" Bokuto hooted, leaning over and placing an obnoxiously loud and sloppy kiss on Kenma's temple.

"...I love you guys, too," Kenma murmured, taking another small bite of his sandwich. He didn't know when he'd feel better again-- but at least he knew now that no matter how long it took, his boyfriends would be here for him. 


End file.
